In 2012, we lost our daddy. He was an introverted man--a very introverted man. When I was younger, I thought he was just grumpy. After many years and interactions with people later, I have decided that he was intuitive and enjoyed his peace. My dad would come home from work with a scowl on his face and say, “Oh my God, those people are so stupid. They must tie a rope around their waist and follow it into work. Before I entered the workforce, I thought that was hilarious. I didn’t believe adults that had jobs were able to be too dumb to get to work on their own. I have been working for about thirty years. I completely understand why my daddy was a grumpy old man.
Peace is rare and precious in a world full of the internet and social media. Once you have found the perfect formula to attain a peaceful existence, chaos is intolerable. Small disruptions induce creativity so that a bit of chaos can be acceptable. Chaos becomes unhealthy when deviations and turmoil are consistently brewing, like gas station coffee.
When you have a lifestyle full of pandemonium, the other disorder can quickly go unnoticed—for example, going to work used to be a sanctuary for me. I could go to that circus and behave just like the rest of the clowns. I never noticed that we all had on red buzzer noses. Once I began to make good, sound decisions and create peace, the sound of discord in my life rang like a siren.
I began my journey financially. I had read somewhere that if you get your money in order, your life will follow. I declared bankruptcy to start anew. That one good decision led to a complete change of mindset. I began to pay more attention to my physical health. My mental health followed.
Several years later, any disruption of my peace is seen as a threat. People who require me to take a deep breath to talk to, I don’t. If I have to prepare myself to interact, I won’t. Saying this, I have been going back and forth about my position in the job circus. On the one hand, I have been on my job for long enough to have good seniority…I’m comfortable. I know how to break the rules that I don’t like. I have become accustomed to the job and am too lazy to become the new girl again. But, the disruption of my happiness keeps ringing like tinnitus in the back of my head. I look around work at the people and find myself looking for the rope they followed to get into the building. I suppose I’ll continue to reevaluate the amount of chaos I am willing to allow. Daddy was right all along--