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I Love You, But...Part 4

I guess it’s my turn. How do I follow these monsters? I prefer to start by saying I apologize and thank my family. Sometimes things happen and you don’t know what’s wrong, but I appreciate those who understood the difference in my behavior and stepped up to support me during this time. I appreciate the push, ensuring that I remain focused, not disappearing or abandoning me based on your feelings solely, or not facing the fact that I am not the same. Thank you for the words of encouragement, taking my rage or frustration and understanding it was not about you. Thank you for understanding that while my choices were unreasonable, they were my choices, and I must live with them. In all, thank you for supporting my re-emergence. Like Nina, I lost quite a few people, and it’s not an issue. I found that more people bring more noise. Peace is a welcome change.

Hearing I love you prompts no response from me for the most part because I’m not sure I can believe it. I’m a bit of a pessimist now or maybe I don’t trust people like that. It’s not that I don’t believe I’m loveable. On the contrary, to know the real me is to love me. 😊 Theoretically, it may be more that I don’t believe folks know me well enough to say I love you or understand that I am no longer the same person. My lens of how I see the world, people, information, and roles differs. All those components are data points and I watch people to understand, but for the most part, it’s overload. What I learned is to try to love people is inequitable. The tell is when you give so much of yourself to people, and when it’s time to collect, they dip. Then return like they still have the same seat at the table. “Oh, I just wanted to respect your privacy and I didn’t know what to say.” Yeah, but you had all the words when wearing my ear out. That means, I never was a priority. I was entertainment--

I think the--I love you, but for me is in the expectation that I will return to what I used to be. I love you, but I need you to do these things, be this, say this, do this, act like this, accept this, and so on. Felicia once said to me that she hadn’t been herself in years. I claim since 1996, but I could be wrong. 😊 Soph is defining herself now, so she should have that opportunity to do so without being made to feel a certain kind of way. All in all, I’m not opposed to the concept of love. I don’t want to be one of those folks casually saying it because I’m “supposed” to, and besides, what is, doesn’t need to be said all the time. I support what the other writers have written as they are all different contextually but make sense. I also don’t want to be one of those I love you, but people. I heard that enough growing up. LOL

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