In 1992, I met Felicia M. Banks and from the day we met, we have been competitive. From Uno to Tunk, there were times I let her win because I enjoyed her crap-talking. We were even competitive when we were married--it was more to see who could get on the other’s nerves more. Ms. Banks, for whom I commonly referred to as the demon spawn, is not too different from me in our approach to life.
There was some level of entertainment to hearing that squeaky voice talking trash. No more of that—she has recently challenged me to determine who can lose weight the fastest and I plan to spank her in that challenge. I managed to complete my doctorate degree in 2.5 years so this mess will be lightweight. I will admit that the challenger [Felicia] thrives off beating me so I’m sure to not underestimate her in any way. After years of radio silence, we are now friends again and with that comes the rub. The friendship has been renewed and so has the ruthless competitiveness.
The war will begin on January 2, 2020, and last for 60-days. I sought 30-days but she wants a cool 60. I’ll allow her the handicap and won’t even use a trainer. We weigh in on the 2nd and begin the challenge that very day. The loser will have to wear a t-shirt with something embarrassing on it as well as sing how great the winner is— I’m sure she would love to see me on my knees, singing her praises. The entire episode will be videotaped for mass consumption. Well, that ain’t happening. Her defeat will be as sweet as sweet tea on a hot summer day. She will try to play her mind games and I’m sure I will as well. She will try to recruit my wife to work against me. Neither will be effective but we will do so anyway. The challenge will be documented daily and show who is putting in the work. I’m sure she will stop at nothing to beat me, which gives me the drive to spank that booty even more. There is no way I’m going to allow her to laugh at me and make me a loser to her. It would give her too much pleasure. There will be no “at least you lost weight” to make the loser feel better. This is a battle that has been going on for over 25-years of which neither of us will give.
I won’t talk trash as I’ll use her trash talk to put me in the gym. So bring the Starbucks, Haribos, Doritos, and all the other stuff that puts on the pounds for now because come January 2nd, I am going to work with the drive that has set me up for my many accomplishments. This here will be sweeter than publishing a book because this is PERSONAL. The competitive drive we share will have us killing ourselves to beat the other and that’s okay. I plan on going to Jamaica soon so this here motivates me to return my 6-pack from a no pack.
With that being said, I'll bring home bragging rights. The one bragging right that I have is I was the FIRST to contact her after many years of silence to initiate friendship. A friendship we probably needed because we trust no one. It simply shows that I'm just a better person and was willing to push forward. :) I'm reluctant to make that statement as I'm sure it will light a fire in her behind. All in all, this is healthy competition. In a world of sensitivities, I'm delighted that we can have a competition where we can talk smack. May the better person come out victorious. ;)