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The Box of Regret: A Message to My Love

The box is where you put yourself to mask your pain or mistakes. It is where you convince yourself that things are okay. No matter what I do or where I go, this pain follows me around because I never face it, so I put it in a box and pretend.

Life has a strange way of reminding you of the self you tried to hide for so long. There is something to the phrase “age brings wisdom” because, at a young age, I made a costly decision and one that changed my life trajectory. The phrase “bad things come in threes” does not equal the depth of regret that one largely poor decision will have. See, I’ve only truly loved one woman in my life. Why? It is not meant to explain, but I’ve always been odd that way. My love for her flourished and bled forever at the ripe age of eight. No matter where I’ve been, where I’ve gone, and where I am, I feel it. It’s like a shield. But the mistake I made was hiding that love. That love gave me strength and power. Walls were put up to box me in, and those walls sent me on a long, painful journey of being alone thus far, like a kid locked in a cage or inside a box. The longer away, the less I can feel her, which kills me inside.

One day, this woman opened that cage and showed me a love for life I had never seen. She was abruptly taken from me. After some time, I eventually went back into the confines of that cage because I had all this love and no one to share with--trustworthy enough or understanding enough. That love may return to open that door, and we flourish together. Until then, I will continue to wait. What I know now at this age, no matter what happens, I am unlocking that love and letting it guide me. I will share it and use it to empower my decisions. Because it was supposed to happen, and the wisdom of age rights the wrong of youth. That box is now open and shall remain open for years to come. We don’t know the future, but hopefully, her hand will be in mine again. I miss her laugh, smile, brown skin, and eyes, or I can simply sum it up by saying I miss her. Come back to me and help me destroy the box completely. Help me become a better man with an incredible woman.

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